Trust is what we are going for in our awakening. Trust in ourself first, and then in life. Trust in our divine nature. Trust in our decisions. Trust that even though we are confined to these human bodies, we are, at our core, actually free. Trust doesn’t come easy. We’ve had a history of trusting only to have our hearts broken and our heads…well you know. How can we trust ourselves considering we have made so many, what we consider, mistakes? we’ve hurt ourselves and others. How can we trust ourselves or anyone else considering in this awakening many of us have lost jobs, relationships, money and health, not to mention our very identity.
The Greatest Story Never Told
The being we refer to as Jesus was a teacher to his core, but he didn’t become so that easily. He went through so many trials of the heart in his lifetime to get to the place of ascended master. and he doubted himself every step of the way. He kept second guessing himself, thinking he was making mistakes. He was also human, and was susceptible to the human condition of self-doubt.
This is also our story. In my own life I have spent countless hours, days, weeks, month, years searching, looking for the secret, for the answer to this human dilemma, trying to find some kind of peace within. What I discovered was that after so much searching I never really did find myself, not in the human sense. It seemed like there was never an end to the unlayering, the processing, the healing of issues. After a while it felt hopeless.
Then I shifted my perspective a little, and saw that I really wasn’t here to perfect myself, to become this untainted, pure, glowing entity of such high vibration that I became like one of those angels on christmas cards. No, it’s not why we are here, and it’s not what the ascended masters of the past were doing either!
So it’s not trusting that we will become this idealized version of Jesus or Buddha or any other ascended master of the past. It’s really more about trusting that we are perfect just as we are right now. We are angels having a human experience, and we are inviting our soul, our spirit right into these very human bodies.
I am learning to trust my instincts. I know things. I feel things. I sense things. (sound familiar?) That part I got down. It’s the trusting part I am working on. I sense when something feels right. I’m learning to take action on that feeling. I Intuit when something feels wrong, or unbalanced. Often I would go ahead and take action anyway even when it didn’t feel right. It could have been because of an inner fear that if I didn’t I would become financially broke or not loved. But now in this new energy, which is very present and very potent, I can’t get away with doing that.
When I ignore my instincts or feelings about something, it will kick my butt! I will pay for choosing to ignore my inner guidance. Can’t seem to get away with it any more. I’m speaking of things that compromise my integrity or go against my inner core values, that sense of self-love. To others it may seem silly, why not celebrate the holidays, but what if it just doesn’t feel joyful to me? Maybe it will next year, but right now I prefer to rent a bungalow on the beach and just be with myself. So not trusting ourselves has consequences in a speeded up vibrational environment.
To thine own self be true
There’s an interesting dynamic happening: When we ask for more trust, the universe (well, it’s actually us) delivers to us a situation to test the new desire. Some challenge to our trusting ourselves more. It may be in the form of a relationship, money issue, or just deep emotional trauma from our past surfacing.
Recently I made a decision to move on from two relationships that no longer resonate with me and in which I played a care taking role. (A woman I’ve known for over a decade and an elderly man ). I struggled with the decision…feeling obligated to continue on the one hand, but on the other I was getting physical evidence that it was actually bad for me. So my doubt manifested in both people yelling at me and telling me that I was abandoning them. Wow. I felt angry, incensed, and guilty all at once. I pondered, maybe they were right. Maybe I was being selfish. Maybe I should continue the relationships
My decision to move on was being tested. My doubts were being mirrored back to me. Maybe, I pondered, I should just focus on the good qualities in them both, and make myself available energetically for them, as I always had. Maybe I can just shift my role in the relationships and thus change the dynamic of those relationships. Wow, now it was getting pretty ‘heady.’
In my heart moving on just felt like the right thing for my own well being. For my own joy. Whatever the justification. So I decided to keep that commitment to myself as long as it felt right for me.
Trust in self is not easy. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s knowing something without any concrete evidence. I am finding it a little easier as I gain confidence in my decisions. It’s not even about making the right decision, just the one that feels best in the moment. So much of our lives have been about making decision based on fear. What will others think? What if I won’t have enough money? What if it just doesn’t work out?
The decision to release the relationships came with a set of fears: What if I am breaking his heart and abandoning my other friend (But his heart was already broken, and my friend already abandoned herself a long time ago). What if I am all alone and don’t know what role to play now?
So dear friends, it’s time to stop over thinking all of this. It’s actually a simple formula: If it feels good to you (to all of you, your body, mind and soul) then it’s good for you. I would even go as far as to say then it’s a divinely guided decision. And if something feels unbalanced, or if you simply do not want to do something, please do not talk yourself into it if possible.. And if you check it with your divine self and human self, you will never do anything to hurt another. If you are reading these words, you are at the point of balance of your masculine and feminine, and you will not intentionally harm another. If they feel hurt, it’s about them, not you. And it’s actually a gift to them so that they too can find the god within.
I realized that I had been very hard on myself, thinking I had to be perfect. The perfect friend, the perfect spiritual teacher. Well, I’m getting past that, and I’m recognizing that the ascension process is a bitch. That’s right, it’s not easy. It tears apart everything we thought was sacred. It pushes us out of our comfort zone. It shatters the illusions we held near and dear. It ruins our relationships, or rather exposes them for what they really are.
It doesn’t mean that we as friends can’t come back together at some point more balanced. Because I was playing an imbalanced role in the connection too with both of them – the role of care-taker.
Our human selves can never really recognize the magnificence of our divine, god-selves, nor can our human selves recognize the beauty of our humanness, but the good news is, our divine selves can do both.
So, fellow pioneer of the new energy, why not begin to really trust yourself?