A woman I know, a dear friend of mine, was upset because she didn’t like herself when she allowed herself to get angry at her mate, who enjoyed pushing her buttons regularly. She said that wasn’t her, that person who ended up yelling and saying things she was later ashamed of.
Having been in one or two relationships like hers, I knew how she felt. It seemed the other brought the worst out in me too much of the time. I consider my friend a very enlightened person, filled with wisdom, but here she was, seemingly a victim of this controlling relationship. Like so many of us, she was repressing so much old anger that it needed expression. And it was repressed in the first place because of a belief that it was wrong to be angry. So many of her relationships with men were similar, lots of anger and drama.
But what if that anger is a message from her self that this situation isn’t right? And that she shouldn’t be putting up with it. The anger could be a message that she is not paying attention to her own needs, and that she is devaluing her own self, and he is a reflection of that low self-worth.
So the anger serves a wonderful purpose. It’s not about pointing fingers, but it is about acknowledging that something is unbalanced. But because of her guilt around being angry she denies herself the opportunity and the clarity to choose a better situation for herself. And, if we take it even further, she, like so many, are afraid of being on her own in life, of depending upon herself.
Her story is the story of so many, especially women. For a woman to not be seen as sweet and gentle and agreeable is unsettling. But the times are changing. Now we are being asked to release the guilt around not being ‘perfect’. As men and as women. With the new energy we are being given the opportunity to be our authentic selves. To allow all of our feelings motion.
We can no longer disrespect ourselves. We want to feel balanced, and, actually, we are. But because of old, limited beliefs around how a woman is supposed to act and feel, we have limited ourselves. So I told my friend who was upset about her anger that the anger WAS the real her! That in this case the sweet, accommodating person she was trying to be wasn’t truly her and didn’t have her best interest at heart. She confided in me that she felt like two different people. One who tried to be what she thought a man expected of her, and the other who she saw as a raving mad woman! When she was in her nice, accommodating state, and we talked on the phone, I really couldn’t connect with her, she seemed out of her body. Disconnected from herself. I heard her saying things like, ‘relationships are hard work’ and other statements like ‘spiritually, I still need to be here.’ All indications that there was denial.
To me, the real Denise, my friend, was the Denise who was pissed. The Denise who wasn’t willing to compromise herself anymore. Even if it meant she would be seen as selfish. As unloving. ‘I can’t leave him being angry because anger is the glue that keeps people together.So I’ll just end up back with him or someone else like him’. Well, yes, that’s true, but sometimes we need fuel to make a change. And that fuel sometimes is anger. Sometimes we simply can’t work through our issues within the relationship, because we just keep pushing each other’s buttons.
So it’s not the anger that is bad, it’s our judgment of it. We could spend years analyzing where it came from, and is it ours, are we just processing someone else’s, and a myriad of other distractions. The bottom line is are we going to allow our true selves to surface and then make choices based on that self? Even if it means appearing selfish. Because what stops us from moving into our joy is our self judgment, every time! Others are just a reflection of that self judgment.
It’s not about being perfect at all this. There is no perfect anyway. But the times and the energies have never been more ripe for the release of the self judgment and the embracing of all of our emotions, especially of anger. And an interesting thing happens, when we accept all of our emotions, not seeing them as an indication that there is something wrong with ourselves, is they quickly transmute into more peace and joy.
A Word About Drama
If we don’t allow ourselves to feel, we often create drama. Drama is more a mental game than being our true selves. Many of us were brought up in families in which there was plenty of drama, so we thought love equalled fighting. So the back and forth of sweet and angry toward a mate could be a cycle of drama in order to feel alive and loved. The cycle can be broken with awareness. And in the new energy, this way of relating is not going to work.
Many women have put themselves in situations in order to clear old family patterns. As they awaken themselves and become their authentic selves, they heal their ancestry and pave the way for those who follow. So honoring the anger as a gift and a vehicle for transmuting self loathing into self-love is important. The ability to create our desires comes from being clear on what we do desire, and not focusing on what we don’t want, but getting there sometimes requires acknowledging all our emotions, even the unsettling ones like anger. If we repress that emotion, or project it onto others, we remain stuck in situations that do not nurture our true selves, our soul.