Here I am, sitting here at Panera, sipping a rich, dark roast coffee, surrounded by nice people from all walks of life. Sweet jazz being piped out of their P.A. system. The sky out there is blue, the temperature is around 82 degrees Fahrenheit, and palm trees are swaying in a gentle breeze.
So why do I feel so lonely?
No one close to me has died. People who love me are a phone call away. My finances are good, and aside from some annoying physical issues, and waves of fatigue, I don’t have anything life threatening, or at least I hope not since I don’t go for regular physical checkups.
So why the long face I ask myself. Is it because it’s Saturday night and I am not out on a date? There are at least two fellows who would be eager to take me out on a date. But I just can’t do it. It just doesn’t feel right for me. There’s a girlfriend I could call, but it feels like she’s going through some stuff right now of her own. In the past I would have tried to connect with someone, but now it feels like it’s o.k. to just be with me. With the sadness and the loneliness. It feels different now, kind of like it just needs room to be. The sadness needs space to move. And I am not judging it as bad. And I am not judging myself for not being past it. instead I am just feeling it in my chest. That heaviness, the tears welling up and flooding my eyes. No, not the melodrama kind of sadness, just my soul needing a good cry. In the past I would run and hide these feelings, but now I just let myself stay right here, sitting at Panera, typing these words, knowing that others out there, maybe even those reading this, are going through the feelings too. And that helps me to feel less alone.
This loneliness can’t be filled from the outside anyway. We know that it’s part of the releasing of who we thought we were. It’s a sign we are getting closer to spirit. It’s the honoring of everything we did and everything we experienced this lifetime. It’s the emotion from the tiredness we have felt in our bodies, and from the times things seemed so hard. From the daily challenges of just keeping ourselves balanced in these bodies, doing mundane routines to keep ourselves fed and clean and rested. And then Trying to keep our environment clean and orderly. We know that we need to rest more now than ever, so it’s harder to keep up sometimes with our daily routines.
But we also know that we are here for much bigger reasons than a perfectly clean apartment or house. We know we are here for a much bigger reason. And it’s so easy to lose sight of that reason as we get pulled on by our human family and our own body’s needs. Yes, it’s so easy to lose tract of why we came back here. Certainly not for just another lifetime. You see, we have already ascended dear fellow way showers. If you take time out of the equation, we already are the embodied masters. Each of you reading this has already made that decision. It’s done. Maybe on a human level that doesn’t make sense, but it does to your soul self, that part of you that exists outside of time. So hopefully that makes this physical experience a little easier.
And then an amazing thing happens: that sadness transforms into a lightness of being. But it can’t be pushed there before it’s ready. We are learning to honor that.
Enjoy my music video: