I enjoy sitting alone at cafés. I love just sipping my dark roast, writing in my journal, working on my blog from my tablet. Staring out the window. Between coffee refills I like taking a walk outside in the sunshine. This is my morning ritual. It seems to work for me. Starts me out on the right foot. Feeling good. Once in a while that ritual gets interrupted when someone who knows me spots me, and then I have a choice to allow them to sit with me, or tell them I need my space. I have done both, depending on my mood.
But more and more, it’s getting too uncomfortable to sit with these people. So I know that something’s gotta give. I can’t avoid them entirely because the community is not that large, and it’s inevitable I will run into them. So, I know I am going to have to send them away. Feelings will get hurt. But my feelings seem to be the most important now. And that is the most interesting point to me.
That, especially as a woman, I am beginning to become selfish. I talked lots about selfish being a good thing in the new consciousness. But I am really embracing it more than ever. It’s no longer just a concept in my life. And in those moments when I am really plugged in and feeling the presence of my soul, I no longer try to hide it. I notice I would try to not appear too happy to others around me. Especially since I could feel into their pain and discomfort.
Now more and more I don’t allow the prevailing energies to pull me down with them. And as a consequence, I notice something. I am treated with a great deal of respect. I don’t have to command the respect, it’s just there. But it’s primarily when I am in that space of feeling connected to myself. And it’s easy to get pulled out of that space of course. At least until I establish more of that ongoing connection with my soul.
But having said that, not everyone enjoys my energy. I can feel that some are uncomfortable with it. I can feel that it magnifies their discomfort. It’s interesting because as women, we believed we had to be the comforters and nurturers for others. So this new place is odd. It’s a bit awkward. It feels a little ‘unsafe.’ But I can no longer straddle the fence. It’s too uncomfortable for me. To have one foot in the old way and one in the new.
So what I’m discovering is that I can’t wait for anyone around me to grant me that joy. I have to grant it to myself. Sometimes that means unplugging from the world. And walking away from relationships, and situations in which I have compromised my joy. And it also means even when I am all alone, to continue making the choice of gifting myself with that joy in spite of what feelings come wafting into my house.
It’s a process, so it’s not going to happen all at once. But now I have the awareness that I want to feel my joy, and that needs to involve my soul. And that my soul is right here with me at all times, but to access the joy I need to invite it in. Invite it in. Invite it in. A moment at a time. Why bother? Why not just let whatever feelings that come my way just sit with me? Well, been there, done that. Now I want to do something new. I want to yes, allow all the feelings, but then say, o.k. but do I want to continue feeling this again and again and again?
The answer is NO. And here’s something else interesting: I can feel like crap. I can feel hopeless. I can feel like I am never going to pull off my embodied enlightenment….but I also know that there is that part of me, my divine part, which includes my soul, that never feels that way. And I know how to access that part.
But it takes discernment. I need to be aware of what’s going on, at least initially. I am sure it gets easier. But I need to be discerning as to who I allow into my energy in an intimate way. And whether what I am feeling is something that is adding to my joy. And I am aware that, as a woman, I have this history, as most women do, of being the vessel of the world’s heartbreak and troubles. So I am especially aware of that. And I am aware of the fact that this transformation is going to take even more patience on my part because of that history.
Because being an embodied master here as a woman, that’s rare. That’s damned rare. There are very few because it takes dedication. Dedication to wanting that freedom so badly that I am willing to take a risk I have never taken before. I have never allowed this much joy into my life and body before in this way, this or any other lifetime as a woman.
The world is not ready for that kind of woman, so I do question whether I can go through with this. It’s o.k. if I don’t. I won’t be hard on myself because it’s not the easiest thing to do for a woman. For anyone for that matter. Look at dear Yeshua. He couldn’t do it without the martyrdom.
But there’s something inside me that really is so finished with the expectations of the world in terms of what a woman is and isn’t. I am so ready to be a role model of a woman who has it all. Who can be here and who can be free. But It’s not about changing that world out there. That’s not my intention. I am creating along with other courageous souls a new reality, a new energy in which we can all be free, and still live in a world that is not yet free. Amazing.
Enjoy I Got My Soul from my album, Simply Divine:
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