When we talk about letting go of our past, it’s not about forgetting it necessarily, or denying it. It’s just seeing it from our expanded perspective, without judgement. It’s not really seeing it as ‘lessons’ but just a way for our soul to get to know itself. For us on the accelerated path, it was a way to familiarize ourselves with the human experience, in order to be better teachers, or mentors, or guides. Who wants a role model who hasn’t lived deeply? Where would the compassion be for other humans?
So as we begin to feel detached from this reality, and from our own stories, our history, it’s a good thing. It means we are no longer emotionally tied into it. No longer seeing it as good or bad or right or wrong. We are seeing it from the perspective of our soul.
When I look back on my lifetime, which, I generally don’t make it a habit of doing that..I’ve always been one to leave the past in the past….but as I do, I have to say, it’s been quite an adventure. In fact, quite a range of experiences, both physically and emotionally.
There was a richness of creativity. No matter where life took me, I always found a way to express myself, through art, writing and music. Writing seemed to be the constant, always packing a journal wherever I went.
I have been the compliant girl, and the nurturing woman, and I have been the rebel.
I was told I couldn’t do certain things because I was a girl. I was given the clear message that it wasn’t safe being a female in this world. Beginning with the playground bullies. At one point I befriended a big-boned Greek girl, and she became my body-guard.
There were loves lost, and I too broke some hearts.
I spent time with friends, family, community and some ‘celebrities.’ And I spent lots of time alone.
Along the way I lost friends and family to illness and death.
I worked for others and I was self-employed. I worked in factory assembly lines, office cubicles, as a motel maid, and a laundress in a nursing home. I was a care-taker for the elderly. I worked for a florist and in department stores. I was a fitting room attendant and accused by management of giving away department store secrets to the competition because they saw me writing in my journal. I was a gift wrapper. I was an elevator operator, and a telephone operator.
I worked in a fishing pole factory. I wrapped wire around fishing poles all day using solvent based glue in a poorly ventilated space. I worked in an eyeglass frame factory putting tiny screws in frames. I worked in a clothing factory sewing pockets on tee shirts. I was fired within one week. I worked in fast food. I quite within three days. I was a bonsai pruner. I worked in grocery stores and car dealerships. I was the inspired musician doing the gigs, and an artist exhibiting and selling her work. I taught art classes for home schooled kids, and I painted murals. I was a model for art classes. Not as easy as it looked.
LEARNING OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM
I took up with my college art professor, and New York City artist, Al Hansen, grandfather to Rock Musician Beck, and my father disowned me. Later in life we came to peace with each other, me and my father.
I participated in the typical sibling rivalry with my brother, but we have always loved and respected each other. My mother had a quiet wisdom.
I graduated with a Master of Arts Degree, but never really used it. Although it does look good on my wall.
I ran an art supply store with my first husband for ten years. I enjoyed that.
I had marriages, and divorces, and I had affairs. I strayed more than once from what others would consider a moral compass. I’ve been sick and I’ve been broke. I’ve had deep depression. I’ve been in therapy. I’ve been in emotionally abusive relationships and I’ve been sexually harassed. I’ve also had wonderful, loving and supportive relationships.
I’ve lived in sub-zero climates and tropical ones. I’ve lived in cities and in a cabin in the woods. I went to Greece for three months. That was amazing,
I’ve loved being a woman, and I’ve hated it. I ‘experimented’ sexually, and tried one or two mind altering drugs. But I did not inhale. (Just in case I run for political office). I’ve lived with men twice my age, and married one young enough to be my son. By my thirties I was 98 pounds. When my light body process began I went up to 180 pounds. I’m down to 140 pounds now.
I have felt powerful and powerless. Both are illusions.
For the most part, I was living life from the outside in, just like most other humans.
In fact, up until recently, I truly didn’t know how to enjoy life. I was just going through the motions and the emotions. And as I occasionally look back, it evokes some laughter and some tears, but more and more it doesn’t seem like it was my life at all. Make no mistake I have the memories, and the scars, as we all do. But it seems so surreal.
I am not sharing this story to have my ego stroked or to elicit sympathy, because I know now that it was all in preparation…I gave myself these experiences for my enlightenment. For my awakening. What better way to feel more compassion for my brothers and sisters on the planet? In that sense, for me, it was the perfect life.
But if you ask me if I would do it all over again, I’d have to say, unequivocally, “not on my life!!!”
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