(Author’s note: You may have noticed that I have been publishing more frequently than usual. While on ‘vacation’ last month, I ended up feeling inspired and writing more than expected. Consequently I have a few posts in the queue.)
I have a dear friend who I have known for almost 50 years. I witnessed him going through, and helped him through the toughest times in his life. The time he began embracing his homosexuality. It couldn’t have been easy, dissolving a five-year marriage to a woman, and being misunderstood, even rejected by those he was closest to. And living as someone who is only a shadow of who he really is for all those years.
Several decades later he has never been happier, he and his husband. They have a loving and supportive relationship.
Throughout all those years I didn’t realize that I too would be ‘coming out.’ All my life I knew there was something different about me. I knew I didn’t fit the ‘norm’ in this world as it was. I knew it was there, this part of me, but I tried to suppress it because I could sense that others didn’t understand and that they would ridicule and even reject me. Possibly harm me.
So I tried to fit in. I tried to act like everyone else. I worked hard to make others comfortable, and others loved my company because I would be so open and accepting of who they were.
But this part of me, this growing realization was becoming more compelling. I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there. It was a part of me that needed expression. I could no longer play it safe. So I found books, and small groups of people who understood what I was coming to understand.
I noticed that the more I began to embrace this part of me, there were less and less people I could relate to in my life and in my immediate community, at least in the way I wanted to. Even family and close friends. I had to let so many of them go. Not out of anger, but because I knew it was time to move on.
At the same time it seemed that there were more and more groups, books, and websites devoted to this new consciousness. And that was encouraging. I couldn’t get enough of them. I so needed the validation. Because the world I was living in couldn’t understand much less be a support to this new consciousness that was beginning to emerge inside of me.
But then again I began to recognize myself as a kind of pioneer among others, of change. And that path is usually a lonely one.
Like with my friend, it’s not something I casually decided to embrace, it’s who I am. It’s the core of me.
And what’s interesting is that even some I have assisted, who felt that they have been abused and misunderstood because they were embracing a lifestyle others considered ‘abnormal’ – even they were rejecting that which I held as my truth because of their own misunderstanding. That truth being the existence of a soul, of the eternal life of that soul.
It’s ironic because they of all people would be sensitive to how that feels. How it feels to be dismissed, and even scorned for being oneself.
I understand. The new consciousness gets lumped in, all too often, with organized religions, who did a great job of rejecting homosexuality. So it’s no surprise that those discriminated against would not want to embrace even a discussion about a soul or anything of a spiritual nature.
But, ironically, those in the new consciousness have the same bad taste in their mouth for being rejected, and called out by the churches for ‘dabbling’ in the ‘new age.’ That we are possessed by demons for embracing the concept of a soul that resides within us. By not giving our power over to some lofty, male, judgmental outside god.
I’M HERE, I’M CLEAR, GET OVER IT!
So for me, coming out has also been a process. Stepping out of the comfort zones in which I felt safe. Letting go more and more of the fears and doubts that kept me tethered to family and culturally defined roles.
And, although I am more and more my Self, there are times it is still challenging. It’s so easy to slip back into the old role. Into hiding who I am. At times it doesn’t feel altogether safe.
I seemed to feel safe expressing my soul through my art and my music, and sharing those creative expressions. Even in the face of rejection by some who couldn’t relate to them or felt threatened by them.
The women I depicted in my art were strong, sovereign beings, and that seemed to make some very uncomfortable. They were not typical women as our culture defines them. I was surprised to find support mostly from the gay community, and that’s because the beings I depicted were androgynous, embodying the male and female presence in a harmonic balance.
I began this blog because I wanted to express my soul, and I wanted to reach a wider population than was possible through art exhibits and through performing musically at the local restaurants and cafes.
And initially, this blog was hidden in plain sight. I was, practically speaking, out there, but there was not a big response to it. One because it was new, and secondly, there was a part of me that was still holding back. I was tentative about expressing what I felt in my heart.
It took a while for me to allow my full Self to be expressed. But as I opened up more to who I was on a soul level, and owned it more, the readership increased dramatically and there was nothing I had to do to optimize myself on the search engines. I really never gave it a thought. But it did surprise me where I was placed on google, and other search engines, relative to the subject of ascension, enlightenment and even topics that were not directly related at all. I ended up being reblogged and shared in many formats and languages, both in text, audio and video. And it was all orchestrated for me by spirit, by consciousness itself, as long as I was being authentic and enjoyed what I was creating.
PUBLISH OR PERISH
And the fears don’t go away completely, at least from my human perspective. Just before I press the publish button, there’s a part of me that gets triggered, that worries….”Will I offend someone? Will my words be too radical? Will I be called out on my truth? What about those I am close to and care about…how might these words and energies impact them?”
And it’s all good, because it helps me to face some of those old fears in myself. The ones we have inherited that tell us we are not good enough, or we should comply with the status quo. Don’t make any waves. Keep a low profile. Stay under the radar.
We have valid arguments for doing so. We were persecuted in past lives for demonstrating our joy for life, as our soul. And even in this lifetime we felt we had to protect that part of ourself until it felt safe to share it.
Some are concerned that they will not be taken seriously or worse if they have occupations that demand a linear, logical, left brain way of being. How can they risk their livelihood for something that they don’t trust to take care of them financially? They still have to live in a world where financial resources are a necessary part of life.
And so as much as they are burning to share that part of themselves, their soul, their eternal self, they feel stuck in a vicious cycle of fear.
It’s one of the biggest challenges of being here as advanced souls. We are wanting more than anything to embody our consciousness, and to express that consciousness in ways that bring us joy. It’s what we came here to do. Yet it is bringing up our deepest fears in the process. And the biggest fear for so many is safety. Security. Survival. Whether it comes in as a financial issue or a health or relationship issue. To move on from jobs and relationships that no longer bring us joy can make us feel very vulnerable and even more alone.
But spirit, consciousness doesn’t compromise itself. It wants to express fully its own love for itself. And that brings in a tremendous amount of energy. And that energy can be a threat to our comfort zones, yet it’s the energy that takes care of all our needs as the human.
THE GOOD NEWS
But what is happening is that we are becoming more and more uncomfortable straddling the fence. We come to a point where our allegiance is no longer tied to emotions of guilt, fear and obligation, but it becomes tied to feelings of joy, carefreeness, peace and passion. And that comes from self-acceptance, not trying to perfect our human self. And only then are we done straddling the fence between the mind and the heart. Then we step into our freedom.
My friend and his husband moved from the New York area to a part of the country that is not traditionally embracing of alternative lifestyles. They took a big leap, making changes in their life and their home base. But they are finding that they are welcomed in ways they never expected. Finding others to share their joy for life with on a daily basis.
Enjoy I Got Both Feet On The Ground from Simply Divine
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