Maria’s Cafe

I just bought one of those coffee carafes, and I’m trying it out for the first time this morning.  With the exception of an unfortunate coffee grounds spillage, so far so good.  I can brew three cups at a time, and it is supposed to keep it piping hot for a few hours.  Some of my readers may be confused at this point, because they know my typical routine is to go out to the cafe for my morning coffee.

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But for the very first time, since I was in my 20s, the desire to rush out for my morning Joe has all but left me.  It was my daily ritual for decades, and I did it through bad weather, heavy traffic, trying relationships, and other obstacles.  It was so important to me that it took priority over just about everything else.  

I couldn’t imagine starting my day any other way.

Yet here I am, sipping coffee at home.  No urge to bolt out the door, other than to take my morning walk through the preserve.  And, when I think about it, I make damned good coffee, just to my specifications.  It’s quiet here, and my apartment window boasts the best view of trees and wildlife.

And I seem to always find a good seat.

I also realized that I have become my best friend, and I really do enjoy my own company.  So I’m not really lonely for conversation.  

Among other things, the pandemic contributed to my change of venue.  Since last March, it became increasingly difficult to find places that had seating.  And Starbucks has been on and off with their indoor dining.  And even they don’t feel as inviting to me anymore.

Something has changed.  The cafe culture is not the same.

Whether it goes back to the way it was, a warm and inviting environment where you can spend hours relaxing, sitting with friends, and working on your laptop….remains to be seen.

But it’s hard to deny there has been a profound shift.

But, maybe that was one of COVID’s purposes.  To push people to spend more time alone.  Which to be fair I had been doing for years anyway.  But even for me, it nudged me to the next level.  I have become more solitary, and I am truly enjoying it.

Of course I have my various creative projects.  My art, my writing, and my music videos.  But even they are not as much a part of my daily routine as they once were.  

So yesterday morning I felt inspired to go out to Panera for a cup.  And when I walked in I was greeted with cheers and inquiries by patrons and staff alike.  “Oh my God, you’re still alive.  We were worried about you,  we missed you. This place isn’t the same without you.” And I even got a warm hug from someone who typically keeps her six foot distance from others at all times.

It was heart warming.  I didn’t expect such a greeting.

But, even though I was told I’d better be there every day again by someone I had seen there every day, today I just couldn’t do it.  

Just not feeling it.

But I know this is by design, set up by my soul, so that I can go deeper into myself.  And it’s a much gentler way than getting a disease or something else.

So I’m getting used to the new routine, and the new me.  And from time to time I find myself inspired to go out for my morning infusion of caffein, but I’ll just stay in the moment with that.

I have warned people in my life that unless there is no choice, I prefer not to have any plans about going somewhere together.  I tell them, if you wake up in the morning and feel inspired to call, then we’ll take it from there.

But I don’t do well with planning things.  It rarely works for me anymore.  I don’t know how I am going to feel from one day to the next.  Even from one hour to the next. I prefer to not have anyone rely upon me when it comes to following through on plans.  

And for some, it’s very uncomfortable.  But they’re learning that I will rarely bend on that rule.

I am going through a major transformation, and they will never understand what that means. But for me, it means I must pay very close attention to how I feel, and what my needs are in each now moment, and follow my instincts, and follow my bliss.

It means there is NOTHING more important than my relationship with my own soul. And that means doing what feels right for me, which can change from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

Some call it being a free spirit.  And, that’s a pretty good description.  

And it’s also being free from guilt, from shame, and from doubt.  And of course those human emotions will take some time to be released, but they have held us back, emotionally and physically for a very long time.

And for many of us they are on their way out.

Now it’s time for a walk in the preserve.  I better bundle up, it’s chilly here in Florida.

 

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